The Rebel…

Yes, I am one of those Facebook revolutionaries… In olden days we were called armchair revolutionaries. We used to sit conveniently in our armchair, our eyes half closed, pretending to be in a pensive mood of an ascetic and give sermons on what everyone else should do. We know why everyone else is wrong and how to correct those errors.

In the new era of computers, Siri, Cortana and Sofia, we have left the good old armchair for our new revolving chair in front of a computer table and to ensure wider reach for our sermons we log into the Facebook.

I have access to every relevant piece of information and every knowledge stems from me. It is my benevolence that decided to grant you the favour of my advice to light your path…

I have nothing but pity for those lesser mortals who criticise me or are against me or cannot understand my views… They deserve to be jailed for their ignorance…

I am the true revolutionary and the only real leader of entire world. Listen to me enrich yourselves and be successful or else be perished…

Don’t expect me to be on the field… The sun’s rays, I am allergic to, the sand and clay and dirt I despise… Yet, I am the only one who is always right…

ക്വൊട്ടേഷൻ

ഹലോ?

ഹലോ.

സുരേഷ് കുമാർ അല്ലെ…

ഏതു സുരേഷ് കുമാറിനെയാണ് വേണ്ടത്?

ഈ.. വടിവാൾ.. സുരു… എന്ന്…

ആ, എന്താ വേണ്ടത്?

ഒരു വർക്ക് ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു…

ഒരാളെ തട്ടണം… അവൻ എന്നെ കളിയാക്കി…

കളിയാക്കിയതിനൊക്കെ തട്ടണോ?

വേണം, ഇല്ലെങ്കിൽ എനിക്ക് ഈ നാട്ടിൽ ഒരു വിലയുമുണ്ടാവില്ല…

എന്റെ റേറ്റ് ഒക്കെ അറിയാമല്ലോ അല്ലെ? ഡീറ്റയിൽസും അഡ്വാൻസും എത്തിച്ചോളൂ.

വീട്ടിൽ എത്തിക്കണോ, അതോ…

വീട്ടിൽ കൊടുത്തോളൂ, ബൈ ദി ബൈ, നിങ്ങളുടെ പേരെന്താ…

ഞാൻ ദൈവം… എന്നെ കളിയാക്കുന്ന തെണ്ടികൾക്കൊക്കെ ഒരു പണി കൊടുക്കണം… അതാ…

ബീപ്പ് ബീപ്പ് ബീപ്പ്…….

Forwarded as received…

Webqoof: “webqoof is one who believes every word or information on the Internet and Social Media is true”

Yes, I too am getting a minimum of 10 forwards a day, on WhatsApp or other messaging apps. Some of them tell me about self CPCR(Cardio Pulmonary Cerebral Resuscitation) if I get a cardiac arrest when alone, some talks about the HIV patient who dropped few drops of blood into the soft drink, some about a new monster which was spotted in a nearby forest or lake. It is an endless list, that began with God and Satan many years back in the era of snail mail.

In those olden times, it was postcards or notices with a message from the Almighty. The God even used to keep a register at those times to write down, how many people took 20 copies of his message and redistributed it, and how many people ignored his message. He used to deposit money in accounts of people who shared the message and he used to get contract killers for those who ignored to forward the message.

Then the mails became emails, and the forwards became easier, just a click away. Gods continued their business. But, there was stiff competition from philanthropy messages. It states that if you forward this mail to 100 people the child in the photo will be given 10 Rupees by Yahoo and that will be added to 10lakh that is needed to perform a surgery on the child. The internet philanthropists contributed forwards and soon the child became a millionaire and with the left over money after surgery, she bought a private island in Caribbeans and also invested in shares of Apple and Microsoft.

And then came the era of short messages and various internet messengers cum chat applications. More children needed surgeries and each forward was paid again. The old world gods also came back with their photographs to be forwarded, or the photo of a cloud with their resemblance to be forwarded. Now they discarded the registers because google analytics was sufficient for them to track the number of forwards and they continued with blessings based on forwards.

But it was soon realised that the market value for gods and child needing surgery is coming down. Thus emerged health advisories and technical advisories through forwards. Most of them were in clear details of what is the issue and what can be the solution. Suddenly all of us become healthier and wealthier. Even newspapers publish them after the editor gets a forward through WhatsApp.

I also learned to do CPCR on myself if I am unconscious due to heart attack when alone, I learned to enter my ATM pin reverse if attacked in ATM, I stopped drinking Frooti because every week the same HIV patient in Frooti factory in Gurugram, mixes his blood to Frooti, so on and on and on. Always, these pieces of advice were from experts in the field. Commissioner of Delhi Police, Chief Medical Officer of Mayo Clinic USA, senior cardiologist of Appolo Hospital Chennai, a senior oncologist of AIMS etc. So I had no choice other than to follow all these. I had to stop eating eggs and cabbages because they are made with plastic and sold by Chinese in India.

Thus, I became a webqoof among crores and crores of webqoofs.

PS: If you forward this article to 25 persons, you will be blessed with a weekend after every five days. If you forward this to 100 people, you will get 4 weekends per month and If you ignore this, your WhatsApp will be blocked, Facebook will be hacked and SIM card will be deactivated.

PS to PS:
Before every forward read and think, whether it is logical. If it seems logical, ask a friend who learned that subject. If your friend confirms it, just do a google search (There are sites like hoax slayer who reports hoax forwards). If you don’t want to take all these pains, don’t forward it. Important messages are announced by official bodies through a newspaper, not through WhatsApp or Facebook.